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continued dumping

think it must just be “end of a long winter” sort of thing but really, keeping it all together at the moment is not easy. I don’t want to clutter up my proper blog with all this crap but it helps if I tip it out of my head. I just don’t feel like we are getting anywhere, I’m permentantly tired, she’s permentantly tired, I know we need to do more stuff, do more learning, get outside, eat properly, I know that would make us both feel better but it’s all too exhausting. I just feel that I’m carrying everyone here, I have a house full of crap that I can’t seem to process, I am, yet again, well behind with the OU stuff, I have a Rainbow meeting I need to get ready before tomorrow evening, I need to sort out clothes for a child who is teetering on the edge of obesity which is all my fault, because who else can you blame for an 8 year old wearing size 12 jeans? and I know if I don’t get a grip I’m setting her up for a shit life but I don’t know where to start. At her age I’d already been put on a diet by the doctor, mum didn’t follow it, she just packed me off to school with diet shakes and bars which didn’t work because I came home to an empty house with a full pantry, but made her feel like she was dealing with it. I wonder if Aprilia would be better in school because then she would have to have a routine, would have to move about more, would ahve to make the effort to read and learn. But I know that really she wouldn’t, even the LEA lady said that school isn’t the right place for her, but is that my fault too? Have I screwed her up to the point she wont’ cope with real life?

active choices or just who I am? Brain dumping

I’ve been taken by surprise a few times lately by people who think that I have made an active choice to not wear make up and to wear clothes that don’t flatter, why I live the way I do, with a sort of question of how I value myself. It made me think a bit about things that I actively chose to do vs things that I’ve just always done that way and if either action shows a value or lack of value in me. One of the people who made the comment is someone who does know me very well, sometimes better than I know myself, I think, and he does have a bad habit of challenging me. It’s sort of niggling at me, not in a nasty way, but in a wondering if they ahve a point way, so I’m brain dumping so I can think about more useful things like “what’s for dinner”

I don’t wear make up because, well, actually I don’t know really. It’s just not something that has ever been my “thing” My mum doesn’t and I just followed her I suppose. Aprilia likes to play about with a bit of colour and does a fair job on herself, and I’m happy for her to do that but don’t feel I need to join in. Does that make for an active choice or just me being me? I suspect there was a choice at some point but it’s lost in time.

And clothes? well, really, I suppose there is a sort of choice there, I chose to wear comfortable, cheap, baggy stuff because really, clothes just cover up and keep you warm. A £3 pair of jeans from Asda can do that just as well as £££ Levis, so why throw the money away? Smart Price teeshirts fit me and Duke the same so when they come off the line they can just get shared out equally and I can move on to more important stuff. Okay, a different cut or size would fit me differently but I’m not sure it matters, I’m covered up, that’s what clothes do, flattering stuff is for people with the money or the figure that invites it. And suddenly that sounds like an aggressive statement!

I was also challenged a while ago about me letting Duke have my desk whilst I now have a bit of shelving and a keyboard shelf. I think the person who threw that one at me did have a fair point, but it wasn’t one I could answer at the time, Duke was next to me and I wasn’t feeling up to bursting his bubble when we were away from home. So, here’s the reason, decide for yourself if it reflects badly. Duke spent a lot of money on making over his office. There was laminate flooring, the DVD for how to fit it, all the kit to fit it with, a new saw so the edges would be nice, then there was paint for the walls, a new blind etc. It was quite a bit of moeny all told. Then he decided that he wanted a nice corner desk like mine. It would be better for him as it would give him more space etc, he wanted a nice room to give him the incentive to keep it tidy. The desk costs very nearly £100. So I told him to ahve mine rather than throw £100 away on something that would be covered in crap within the month (no, I didn’t say taht last bit to him! I’m not that much of a cow!) I got the stuff that he used to use and told him taht in a few months, “when we have had a bit of time to save up” I’d get something nicer, something more in keeping with a bedroom setting, maybe with doors to shut it all away and make the room look better. I knew I wouldn’t, because there is always something else, but it stopped him spending and didn’t make him feel like I’d been mean to him with his own money. I was right though, his room is just as full of stuff now as it was before the make over and he never even finished the trim round the edges of the flooring, another £100 wouldn’t make that any easier. And really, a desk is a desk, it puts my screen at the right height for me to see, gives me somewhere to stack up coffee mugs and paperwork and saves me needing to balance my keyboard on my lap. Adn really, something all twee and pretty in the corner of this dump would look bloody stupid, and make me feel guilty either about the money I spent on it, the crap all round it or both. So my utility shelving desk suits me, just like my £3 jeans really. So why does it unsettle me to think about it?

But I can, just maybe, conceed a good friend’s point. I don’t always take care of me as well as I take care of everyone else. I don’t have the time. Or the energy. And I know full well that if my good friend had given me either of those excuses I’d have refused to accept them. And I know that I’m not happy with things like this. But really, would I be happy with make up on, pretty clothes and my old desk back? Or would I just be the same old me, just hidden even further inside? And does it matter?

Hmm, didn’t think I was pre-menstrual, I’m normally only this wobbly once a month…. must go find chocolate in case.